Dear Airport Stranger

Dear Stranger Who Left a Note on My Car:

You know, it was the one that said "Learn to park" and then had a colorful word I'm hoping my boys never unleash on a woman (or any person for that matter) especially in anger or frustration.  We had been at the Pittsburgh Airport dropping off my boys' sister and their nephew before dawn for their early flight back to Seattle.  It was an earlier than normal wake up; the bubs were actually sleeping when the alarm had gone off at 1:45am (the husband and I were discussing whether we thought we would have alarm-alarm or baby alarm that night, fooled us babies!).  The boys were generally jollier than any person should be dragging themselves out of bed at that time and clamoring into the car for a jaunt down I79.

We drove separate cars so PAG could take the Seattle family in one vehicle and I could come down in familial solidarity.  It was an uneventful drive in the darkness; no deer, no construction, although it seemed there would be activity and slowness later in the regular part of the day.

We arrived at PIT with time to be comfortable going through the airport with tiny people and there was less of the craziness that PAG had told me about from the pickup earlier this week.  Our only snag was parking; I misjudged the line in the dark and parked like a crazy person in two spots instead of one. I got out questioning my choices and the look on my husband's face was so embarrassed yet loving.  Not wanting to hold things up and knowing we'd be in and out with some quickness, I chose not to readjust the placement of my car.

Perhaps you saw this as I was unloading my one-year old bubs into the double-stroller and having a jolly laugh at my own ridiculousness.  Maybe you really needed that spot next to me because it was your lucky airport spot.  I like to think you didn't see me at all and just came up to a Chevy Cruze abandoned and looking like a shitshow in two parking spots.  Anyways, no matter the lead up, it obviously filled you with rage to see someone being so dick-ish about parking spaces when that business is valuable real estate at the airport.  I get it-so, you put a note on my car to teach me a lesson.

I did learn a lesson that day and have had it in my heart ever since. I wanted the chance to respond to  being called a b-word for the error of offending you at the wrong time.  Here it is; I get it-I judge people too.  It is a personality habit that I am frankly ashamed of.  It is unChristian and unkind and unhelpful.  I judge people for the same mostly harmless bullshit that caused you frustration that morning.  Maybe you were on the edge of anger or frustration already for factors I don't even know about, but isn't that how all of our anger comes about?  Don't we allow things to build and build inside of us until we snap over something minor?  Aren't we all guilty of this and we need some crazy lady parking her car badly to pin our frustrations on?  I get it!  I have spent the better part of a year feeling angry, scared, and frustrated for reasons I often cannot really articulate or control.  I am trying to be the daughter, mother, wife, teacher, friend I can be while surfing hormone and life changes that I don't fully comprehend.  So I too find it easy to look at nuisances and pet peeves and exact some mental vengeance through judgement.

This judgement I generally keep to myself and just chuckle at how much better it makes me feel to be better than someone because of stupid things.  Car stickers really bother me because they are inviting me to judge them as I sit in the passenger seat or walk uptown.  I get really frustrated with folks at restaurants who (in my mind) have no business being in a restaurant because they treat the service and workers poorly or cannot possibly seem to restaurant (like honestly, please read).  But anyone who experiences similar feelings may appreciate the downside of allowing all of that to build up and ferment.  I get angry and sarcastic and turn inward with dark and angry thoughts that just swirl and spiral, never really accomplish anything or making anything better.

This is how your note felt; I wasn't bothered by it (I know I parked like an asshole) and I don't think you really felt better because you left it.  Generally if I am feeling particularly prickly, I try to mentally remind myself that we all do this and it is mostly unhelpful.  We are all carrying around baggage with us (as in the case of the airport, sometimes literal baggage) and we can either help out each other by taking a breath and holding out a hand to help each other, or we can tear each other down with judgement and harsh words.  I didn't help you out because I parked like an asshole, and yes, I probably should have realized my dick-move and adjusted my car to be a better parking lot citizen for those twenty minutes.  I don't think you helped yourself by calling me out for it.  I don't think raining judgement on each other is our spot to occupy while we are here, and I hope to impart that to my boys.  We are all here together trying to share our space and time in the world.  Hopefully we can do it in ways that are kind and caring and thoughtful.  I wasn't thoughtful that morning, but you weren't either and I don't think the two wrongs made right.  Let's do better next time!

Sincerely,
The B*** Who Will Park Better Next Time  

Art and Kindness

I have a good life, no, let me rephrase that, I have an amazing life!  I woke up this morning with two bubbly babies and a kind, caring, smart, and funny husband.  I walked up to town with them to take them to day care for their last day.  At day care, there are no tears upon drop off, we crawl on the floor, joke with Miss Julie or Miss Neisha or Miss Tammy and I slide out the door as they boys are zooming around the room with toys in hand.  I come back to a great house on the river and am able to sit on my back porch enjoying a cup of coffee.  I am financially secure thanks to a great job with a great staff in a great community.  I went last night to a paint 'n sip with my mother who lives two blocks from me and enjoyed laughs, drinks, and creativity with her.  I truly have a great life, however, there are times of stress and anxiety that have swelled up and are in their own way debilitating or hampering on my enjoyment of the privilege I enjoy.  So when two major celebrity suicides (among countless others that will go unreported) occur in such a small window, it makes me reflect on how mental health and taking care of oneself as well as reaching out to others who are hurting is so important and critical for all of us.

While my life is great, I have had my own battles to navigate.  As my mom lovingly puts it, I am generally a high-strung, anal-retentive perfectionist.  I have very clear and high expectations of how I believe things ought to be both small picture and large.  I have learned flexibility, but it is not always easy for me to adapt and modify how I think things should be (so I had children-the definition of change!).

Often I will put failures (perceived or real) on my own shoulders as some function of me not trying hard enough, or working long enough, or not being smart enough.  I sat in my end of year meeting just days ago with my principal trying to workshop where I went wrong with my instruction or classroom management as I had one of the most stressful years of teaching in my career.  There is a lot of Kool-aid out there that says that teachers are the variable that make all the difference in the successes or failures of students and this year I was drinking it hard-core.  She didn't want me to see my work this year as a failure or moral deficit which I appreciated her saying as I have been beating myself up over shortcomings as a mother, spouse, teacher, daughter, person for nearly a year.

I'm not well versed in the causes of depression or anxiety so I will not pretend to be any kind of expert on anyone besides myself.  Saying that, I know as a meticulous planner, I feel most vulnerable when big things or small things don't go according to plan.  When my first marriage blew up after just over a year, I let myself sink into some unhealthy choices as a way of 'having control' over a very unstable time.  Thankfully family, friends, and therapy helped me pull it back together and get back on even footing.  Going into my pregnancy and early motherhood, I had a vision of how things would look and turn out.  However, no amount of reading or preparation could get me ready for lady hormones, two babies, or how sleep deprivation affected my mood or feelings of control.  And then I  transitioned to being a working mother with a classroom of students who possessed enough personal baggage to fill a 747 kept the ground from settling.  Again, a support system (doctor, therapist, coworkers, friends, spouse, family) was what kept me pulled together and functioning on days when I didn't want to or didn't think I could.

I know it seems easy to look at the lives of others and think to ourselves they ought to have nothing to complain about or wonder how could they possible suffer mentally when it appears they have so many good things in their lives.  I have great things in my life and yet the anxiety is still there and I work to cope with and manage the stress in my life.  We are all going through a journey that fluctuates between joyous and terrible, with on-days and off ones.  It can be difficult, painful, and lonely, even when there are many folks around commenting on how wonderful they think you have it.  Take a moment to read the signs or look for the clues that someone may be hurting just a little more today than yesterday.  Maybe they need you to hear them, or maybe they need a distraction during a tough time.  Ask before assuming (remember the two ears, one mouth rule and listen twice as much as you speak) and respect what they need before offering what you think they need.  Let's take care of ourselves, each other and spread some kindness in a world that could always benefit from a little (or a lot) more.  Let's also make it clear that it is okay to not be okay and to ask for help or extend some help when and where it is needed.